Boy, we’ve really gotten spoiled, haven’t we? Time was when four wheels and working pedals were all we needed, but nowadays everyone has an opinion. And while these lovable losers of the road may have something special in the eyes of their owners, it’s universally accepted that looks aren’t it. Of course, if you happen to drive one of these magnificent beasts, good for you. As the saying goes, if you can’t laugh, you can’t live. And if you can’t drive something other than one of these misguided masterpieces … maybe you should get a bike.
FIAT Multipla
Want a laugh? Take a look at the Multipla. Much maligned for looking like it had missed a few crucial design steps, this amphibian-based FIAT actually earns high marks from those who’ve driven it, thanks to its family-friendly practicality. Which is ironic, because no one has ever started a family after driving around in one of these.
Porsche Panamera
The Panamera looks like it slipped on the way up the evolutionary ladder and then hit its head on every rung on the way down, though you can’t deny its German engineering and four-door functionality. This is the perfect car for bored suburbanites who almost forgot they had active kids to chauffeur around.
Subaru Baja
The result of a late-night romp between a Chevy El Camino and a platypus, this physically frightening composite may be well-equipped to take on Mother Nature, but it carries features that only a mother could love.
Chevrolet SSR
Proof that the ‘good old days’ never existed, the SSR is a misaligned combination of retro style and modern ignorance – making it the perfect choice for nobody in particular.
Pontiac Aztek
This is the car that almost singlehandedly killed off the automotive industry. Now immortalized as Walter White’s ride of choice, this compromise of a car depresses minds on looks alone. For everyone out there who stops at mediocrity and says, “Yep, this’ll do,” the Aztek is for you.
AMC Gremlin
The Gremlin is the automotive version of a Pug – it’s so ugly that is somehow defies the bounds of human understanding and winds up being oddly cute. Winner of America’s first subcompact race but a loser in so many other ways, the aptly named Gremlin enjoyed a brief resurgence in the late ‘90s when kitsch ruled all things fashion. Does that make the Gremlin cool? No, but at least now people will probably wait until you putter away to make fun of you.
Every Hybrid Ever
If we knew the future was going to look like this, we might still be directing horses around town. Vehicles like the Toyota Prius, Nissan LEAF, Honda Insight, and the unfortunately named Mitsubishi i-MiEV are incredibly fuel-efficient – as they should be since every R&D dollar seemingly goes toward economy.
Suzuki X-90
This Barbie Mobile requires lots of imagination on the road, thanks to its toy-powered 95 horsepower engine and doll-sized two-seat configuration.
KIA Soul
– Has none.
Nissan Murano CC
The Murano CC, full name CrossCabriolet, is sort of like Donald Trump’s hair. It’s oddly intriguing to look at, you can’t help but want to touch it out of morbid curiosity, and it has a detachable top that looks terrible up or down.
1996 Ford Taurus
This is the type of car you’d break up with a significant other for driving. Thankfully, Ford has made strides in aesthetic value for the Taurus line, but back in ’96 when this Taurus was introduced, bicycle sales went up 78% at the same time*. Just a coincidence, we’re sure.
*Not factual.
Nissan Juke
Named as such because most drivers tend to veer away from it, the Juke is proof that graduation gifts cannot be returned. An internet poll once posed the question: Which would you rather drive, the Juke or the Cube? And America collectively lost a quarter of a million pounds while briefly considering the merits of walking. Seriously, though, both offer great interior space that’s perfect for hiding regret.
Chrysler PT Cruiser
This vehicle is so ugly that people purposely try to cut off on the road. Seeing one huddled up in a driveway all Quasimodo-like, waiting to be put out of its misery, makes you instantly dislike the people who live there. But hey, it could be worse; you could have to actually drive one yourself.
And finally, last and definitely least, we have the…
1970 Plymouth Road Runner Superbird
The stylistic joke that writes itself, this muscle car monstrosity may have been built for racetrack supremacy, but its bulbous shark nose, ridiculous spoiler, and all-around lack of stylistic integrity just make you wish that the Coyote had won.
