*Preface: You’ve seen celebrity roasts before, right? They’re purposefully hurtful but always meant in good fun. At the end of the day, we’re all here for a short time so we might as well laugh at each other – and at each other’s awful vehicles. Don’t take it personally. Enjoy.
Drivers these days are too darn smug. Driving around, acting like their vehicle isn’t an abomination to the auto industry and everyone who mistakenly glances over at these hideously disguised ogres while sitting in traffic, thinking for a split second a wildebeest got loose and is terrorizing the road with its weird front end and awkward body. Do they not know how ugly their cars are? And how their ugly cars make us rethink the fact that anything good exists in this world?
How can a right-minded person allow cars like the ones below exist, save for some sick, perverted individual hell-bent on destroying our collective souls?
Unforgivable. Anyway, here’s our new list of the Top 10 Ugliest Cars of All Time.
Nissan S Cargo
I’m inspired by this automotive abomination, right down to its crappy core. Recently, leading scientists have been tasked with answering the question of why people think this car is anything but hideous, just like “Jake from State Farm” (ooh, there’s a too-soon throwback for you. This joke was about as great as the S Cargo, am I right, folks?!) Aaand we’re off.
Okay, these things have to be fun to drive. Why else would someone own one? But they’re ugly as sin. Fact. It’s no wonder why these things are allowed to slime away in the carpool lanes, because the shame and regret of being seen on (in?) one is large enough to be classified as a second passenger. From the commercial: “Its three-wheeled stance is like nothing else on the road.” Thank goodness for that.
The Cube is the Cleveland Browns of cars. The vehicular version of New Jersey. I was once offered a Cube as a loaner car and decided to punch myself in the face instead. I wonder how many Cubes it takes to destroy a model make. Just one, I guess.
1980s Aston Martin Lagonda
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
This car sucks.
Yeah, this one was on the last list we made. But it’s so ugly, it deserves to be here again. This is the vehicle we must keep in the backwater recesses of our minds because, when we think we’ve hit rock bottom and there’s no further pit of abscess we can sink into, we think of the Pontiac Aztek, and we see a light in all the darkness. Because we remember that, hey, at least we didn’t design the Aztek.
Marcos Mantis M70
Should’ve bitten its own head off. Aptly named, because it looks like a bug – the kind you horrifically encounter at 3 a.m. and immediately look for a shoe or heavy object with which to smash it; for its own good, to put it out of its bitter, bitter misery.
Ford Falcon Utility (Ute)
This Aussie abomination is like something from the Island of Doctor Moreau, fit to roam aimlessly amongst its Beast Folk brethren. People call it the Ute for short, which is fitting because it’s far from cute and nobody outside the island continent should ever have to “C” this thing. Does that joke work? No? Well, neither does this car’s aesthetic appeal.
Remember “The Homer” car from The Simpsons? This is it is real life, except more depressing because it actually exists. Is it named after an Italian fast food joint? That would be fitting but no, its moniker comes from Franco Sbarro, an eccentric Italian designer whose name shall never be spoken again.
1980s Chrysler LeBaron
The 1985 LeBaron looks worse than LeBron’s 2014 hairline. Speaking of eras, people love to reminisce about the ‘90s. Were they really so great? Let’s think about it: the decade brought us fantastic music, politics were kinky, and Chrysler finally stopped making this car in 1995. Okay, maybe the ‘90s kids have a fair point.
“What’s that about the ‘90s?” mutters the SW1 from its enclosed garage where it hides for fear of some uncontaminated soul witnessing it, the too-real to be funny epitome of compact street pollution. The SW1’s curb weight was 2,348 pounds. Its negative weight on the automotive world is probably more than the actual planet of Saturn.
If your vehicle happens to be on this list, you don’t need to dress up for Halloween because you’re already driving a monster. But hey, at least you can dress up that disfigured rust bucket with new some shoes!
You already know where to go for the best in tires, wheels, and all those sexy accessories. In fact, you’re already here.